10 Keys to
Successful Parenting
By Kathryn KvolsIt is important to discipline in a way that teaches responsibility
by motivating our children internally, to build their self-esteem and help them feel loved. If our children are disciplined in this way, they will not need to turn to gangs, drugs, or sex to feel
powerful or to belong.The following ten keys use methods that have been proven to provide children with a sense of well-being and security.
(1) Use Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS) Your child's self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time you spend
with him--not the amount of time that you spend. With our busy lives, we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do, instead of putting 100%
focused attention on what our child is saying to us. We often pretend to listen or ignore our child's attempts to communicate with us. If we don't give our
child GEMS throughout the day, he will often start to misbehave. Negative attention to a child is better than being ignored.It is also important to recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong.
Feelings just are. So when your child says to you, "Mommy, you never spend time with me", (even though you just played with her) she is expressing what
she feels. It is best at these times to validate her feelings by saying, "Yeah, I bet it feels like we don't get enough time together."
(2) Use Action, Not Words Statistics report we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day!
No wonder our children become "parent deaf!" Instead of nagging or yelling, ask yourself, "What action can I take?" For example, if you have repeatedly
asked your child about unrolling his socks when he takes them off, then only wash socks that are unrolled. Actions speak louder than words.
(3) Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful If you don't, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power. Some ways
to help children feel powerful and valuable are to ask their advice, give them choices, let them help you balance your check book, cook part or all of a
meal, or help you shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash vegetables or put napkins on a table. Often we do the job for them because
we can do it with less hassle, but the result is that they don't feel valuable. (4) Give Choices
Ask yourself what would happen if I didn't interfere in this situation? For example, if your child forgets her lunch, don't bring it to her, allowing her to
find a solution, and learning the importance of being responsible for herself. If we interfere when we don't need to, we rob children of the chance to learn
from the consequences of their actions. By allowing consequences to do the talking, we avoid disturbing our relationships by nagging or reminding too much.
(5) Use Natural Consequences Often the consequences are to far in the future to practically use a natural
consequence. Logical consequences are effective when the consequence is logically related to the behavior. For example, if your child forgets to return his
video and you ground him for a week, that punishment will only create resentment within your child. However, if you return the video for him and
either deduct that amount of money owed, then your child can understand the logic of your discipline. (6) Withdraw From Conflict
If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or speaking disrespectfully to you, it is best if you leave the room and tell the child
that you will be in the next room if he wants to "try again". Do not leave the doer in anger or defeat. (7) Separate the Deed From the Doer
Never tell a child they are bad. That tears at his self-esteem. Help your child recognize that you love him, but it is his behavior you are unwilling to tolerate.
In order for a child to develop healthy self-esteem, he must know he is loved unconditionally no matter what he does. Do not attempt to motivate your child
by withdrawing your love from him. When in doubt, ask yourself, did my discipline build my child's self-esteem? (8) Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time
Suppose you have told your 5-year old child that if she isn't dressed by the time the timer goes off, you will pick her up and take her to the car. She has
been told she can either get dressed in the car or at school. If she is not dressed by the time the timer goes off, make sure that you lovingly but firmly
pick her up as soon as the timer goes off without any more nagging. If in doubt, ask yourself, did I motivate through love or fear? (9) Parent with the End in Mind
Most of us parent in ways to get the situation under control as soon as possible. We are looking for the expedient solution. This often results in
children who feel overpowered or not disciplined. But if we learn to parent in a way that keeps in mind how we want our child to be as an adult, we will be
more thoughtful in the way we parent. For example, spanking teaches children to use acts of aggression to get what they want. (10) Be Consistent, Follow Through
If you have an agreement with your child to not buy candy at the grocery store, do not give in to her pleas, tears, demands, or pouting. Your child will learn to
respect you more if you mean what you say and are consistent. Kathryn Kvols, a national speaker, is the author of the book,
"Redirecting Children's Behavior" To order books, videos and audio tapes on Redirecting Children�s Behavior,
CLICK HERE.*
*You may also order the book, Redirecting Children�s Behavior from Abundant
Earth�s,� Wise Earth Book Store. However, the video course and audio cassettes are only available through The Parenting Network.
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